Ten Reasons Why Draco's a Sissy
by Jesus Christ Superstar
Summary: Top ten reasons why Draco turned out to be the little closet-case we all know he is. Just some random Malfoy-Family-Skits. Have fun, read and review, and warning: there is raunchy humour.


**Author's Note:** _I plead the fifth?_

**Disclaimer:** _I do not own the characters, spells, potions, or any type of anything mentioned in this fiction. All rights belong to J. K. Rowling, and I am making absolutely no money on this publication._

**Summery:** _Er… Random funniness?

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**_Top Ten Reasons Why Draco's a Sissy:_**

**Reason Number One:**

The Malfoy manor is dark, and gloomy- rain beating at the windows, and thunder rolling in the distance. Draco makes his way, swiftly and silently, towards his parent's bedroom, clutching his teddy bear, and blanket. Tousled, and sleep deprived, the first year Slytherin timidly pokes open his parent's door:

"Good lord, Narcissa! You still have it!"

"Oh, yes, Lucius! What makes you think I lost it! You've just not given me a chance to… oh, goodness… prove myself…"

Draco, alarmed, flees.

"God, I've been craving a pickle. Damn jar."

**Reason Number Two:**

Draco, happily munching on carrot sticks, walks into the parlor, where his father, Lucius, is sitting in his cushiony chair. His eyes are wide, and his hand is gripping the staff that he loves more than his son. Steel grey eyes are plastered to a screen where some young woman is sobbing.

Draco comes to a pause, and arches a brow, "Dad? You're watching television…"

"Yes, I am, son. You are very observant. Now, go back to jacking off to Cho Chang's picture."

"Umm… Dad. Isototallydon'tlikeCho."

"Right. Whatever- OMG! She's DYING! Nooooo! Go back to her, you looser! I hate you! I HATE YOU! Did you see that, Draco? He left her! He bloody left her!" Lucius breaks down into tears, stands, and stalks off, muttering, "Damn Lifetime."

**Reason Number Three:**

"Draco, honey, don't colour that Death Eater with the black crayon! It doesn't go with the blue eyes, dearie," Narcissa coos, taking away the black crayon from a five-year-old Draco, replacing it happily with a pastel green one. She smiles down as Draco returns to colouring 'Lord Voldemort's Toddler-Approved Colouring Book'.

"Narcissa! The uniforms were BLACK! Not green!" Lucius quickly snatches green crayon from Draco, and glares at Narcissa, who glares back.

Draco happily snatches a red crayon, and continues to colour, "Green makes daddy look fat, anyways."

**Reason Number Four:**

"Draco, we've got a babysitter for you!" Narcissa chatters happily, as Draco pouts, sitting on the stairs, "We're going to one of daddy's parties, so you stay here and be a good boy."

The door bell then rings, and Lucius walks over, promptly tugging the great slab of wood open, "Ah- thank you for coming over at such short notice, Michael."

Michael moonwalks in, grabbing his crotch, and squeals, "No prob, miiiiiiiiister Malfooooooy. Me and the boy will have fun…"

**Reason Number Five:**

Lucius follows after Narcissa, growling and muttering, "I refuse to go to another God-damned musical. I flatly refuse. Do you have any idea what that's doing to my social career? Half of my old-Death Eater pals are laughing at me, and pointing at me, wondering when I'll come out of the closet. Well, do I have news for them, I'm not a mop! I don't want to go…" Pouts, and throws self around Narcissa, who pointedly sticks nose in air, and ignores him, "Please, Narcy? Pretty please? Don't make me go see that play… I beg of you. I'm BEGGING!"

"Oh, fine; Draco, you'll come with mummy, won't you?" Narcissa peels self away from Lucius, and Draco runs out to his mother.

"This will be fab-u-lous!"

**Reason Number Six:**

"Look at what a nice gift your father gave you, Draco!" Narcissa gestures to pony and carriage. Draco squeals happily, jumping up and down, "Now, go thank your father."

Draco sprints over to Lucius, grabbing him about the knees, and Lucius bends over, "You like it! Give me a hug!" Reaches down to hug Draco.

"Give me a kiss, daddy!" Draco grins, and Lucius gives him a fatherly kiss upon the forehead. Draco then gives Lucius a kiss- but on the lips. Lucius drops his four-year-old boy on the ground, glares, and wipes off his lips, "Not on the lips, you little freak!"

"But… you do it to mummy all the time!" Draco argues.

"…" Lucius glances over to a giggling Narcissa, "With mummy, it's different. I kiss her because she polishes daddy's wand…"

**Reason Number Seven:**

Lucius and Narcissa, in hopes of broadening Draco's vision of life, enlisted the help of a well-educated wizard. He was renowned in his field of study, and could even outdo Dumbledore. Several times, Lord Voldemort had travelled the distance of time and space to try to bring this wizard onto the "dark side"- even waggling a gingerbread cookie as a reward. However, the wizard had declined… always… for, he could never be bought…

"Show me the pointy-hat-trick again, and I'll recite my studies, I swear, Gandalf the Grey."

**Reason Number Eight:**

"OMG! QUICK! LOCK THE DOORS!" Lucius screams, running into the manor and slamming the front door behind him. Draco walks out of the kitchen, chewing on a carrot, and arching his brows. A quick overview of his father, and he knows what is happening: Lucius' messy hair, smudged lipstick, ripped robes… it could mean only one thing…

"Fan girls?" Draco absentmindedly chews on celery now.

Lucius glares, "No, worse…"

"What is it?"

"Narcy had a headache… I offered her a painkiller… er…"

"So..?"

"Well- I didn't see the Viagra label, I swear! They look the same!"

"You gave mum VIAGRA?" Draco takes another bite from his celery, "What's on her to raise?"

"…"

**Reason Number Nine:**

Odd noises have been emitting from Draco's room for several nights, and Lucius finally makes his way to talk to his son. Of course, Malfoy wouldn't have done it without the threat that Narcissa's candy shop would be closed unless he talked to Draco… So, half-heartedly, and clutching his cane, he taps on his son's door. Arching a brow, he hears scuffles, curses, a bang, and a crash; the door then opens, and Draco looks moodily up at Lucius, "What?"

"What are you doing, Draco? Your mother wanted me to check- mind if I come in? No? Okay." Lucius pushes Draco out of the way, and enters.

"I'm not doing anything!" Draco throws his hands up in the air.

"Narcissa believes otherwise…" Lucius sits down on Draco's bed, "Let me tell you about the… uh… birds and the bees…"

Two hours pass, and Narcissa, having heard the noise start up again, walks down the hall. She pushes open the door, and frowns, "LUCIUS!"

"What, 'love? Draco showed me how to make a balloon-animal!"

**Reason Number Ten:**

"Uh… Dad, I need to talk to you." Draco sits down in Lucius' office, and looks pointedly at his father. Lucius, in response, arches a brow, tucks away several papers, and removes his reading glasses. He folds his arms on the desk, and tilts his head.

"Yes?"

"Ummm… Crabbe and Goyle are… bigger than me. I dunno what to do. I always feel so small around them. I suppose, though, that it helps to have such big friends, but… And then, even Potter's bigger than me! What am I? A garden snake? It's no fair!"

Lucius' eyes widened, and he leans over, whispering, "You just haven't hit your growth spurt. Trust me, you'll grow into your casing soon enough. Take it from me, the men in your family are very big. You'll be alright…"

"I've seen the portraits! All the Malfoys are small!"

"…We don't have naked portraits around this house!"

"Dad… What the HELL are you talking about? I'm SHORT. As in, hobbit-ish!"

Lucius blushes, and sheepishly straightens papers, "Oh! THAT. You got your height from your mother- go whine to her about it. But, I'll tell you something right now, no girl's gonna be looking at your height."

"Dad. I like rainbows."

"Good for you. I like Celine Dion. We're even."


End file.
